Changing Plans (a look back to 2020!)

Two massive highlights in December for the Gush family was A) the looking forward to the lifting of restrictions to see family in London over Christmas and B) our planned trip to see family in South Africa in January. After all, if we are having to stay in one place, why do it in a friends flat in London when we can do it on the beach South Africa?

Now every part of that first paragraph was planned, paid for and didn't happen.

Nada.

Nothing.

Not even one bit.

As you know, Christmas plans in the UK were adjusted fairly last minute, and South Africa decided to join the COVID-party with their own unique strain, and therefore, after 4 cancelled/re-booked flights, we decided to call it a day. I'm sure that most of you probably have a similar story, with lesser or worse consequences, but what I found most fascinating, is how different people have reacted to these curve balls thrown at us. We have 5 of us in our family and coincidentally the 5 generally accepted stages of grief* went through all of us at different times. Needless to say, the beginning of January wasn't very fun in our house.

'You cant change the winds, but you can adjust the sails'

With a bit of time, patience, wine and takeout and numerous other treats for all of us, we got our heads around the situation that we found ourselves in and made the decision to move forward. We couldn't change those things out of our control, but we can change our attitude to how we deal with these things. I found these steps the most useful.

Firstly - Allow yourself to grieve a loss. This is so so important and really cant be rushed. In November 2020 we sold our house and minimised significantly to be able to move onto a boat. The hardest part of it all for me was that we had to give away our beautiful pets (Leeloo the springer spaniel and Maxi the cat.) Even though they went to different friends and are living the dream in less urban areas of England, it still breaks my heart when I think about them. (For me more so Leeloo, for Mel, Maxi...) A good coaching colleague of mine, who is also global leader in change management, helped us minimise the impact of the grief of this, as well as identifying the important steps to process this as a family and some wonderful tools as well (bearing in mind that 3 teens/pre-teens need quite a bit of help as well.) Recognising the grief, as well as understanding that the process will happen, is a really important step.

Secondly - Identify, in line with the quote above, that the wind has changed, but you have the power and ability to adjust your sails. That is in your power. Coaching has really helped me with this, realising that no matter what my situation is, I need to make a decision to make a choice. You don't need to have the answer mapped out, or the solution set in stone, just need to decide that you do have a choice. I don't exactly know what happens in your mind, but putting yourself in the drivers seat of your mind changes everything. Numerous coachees that I work with struggle with this issue - whether its in work, relationships or family - the feeling that they are stuck and nothing can change. Taking ownership of your situation gives you the opportunity to change your path, which eventually leads to a change in your destination.

Thirdly - Baby steps. There is an African proverb that says that it is possible to eat an elephant, it just needs to be one bite at a time. In all fairness I don't know why you would want to eat a whole elephant, but that's besides the point. The biggest changes in my life have happened mostly through small, slow steps. When you've made the decision that you have a choice, look at what is in your control, and then make some baby steps.

In the end our Christmas was amazing with just the 5 of us (we could have dinner in our PJ's and I could shamelessly hog the couch for a movie) and staying in the UK, meant we managed to get some amazing opportunities, get schooling sorted properly before setting sail, and got the right boat for our family. We realised that although we had no control over the pandemic, we had control over what we could do with our family to make the best of this situation, and its been quite an amazing experience.

PS - Please note, I am a strong believer in therapy and even further help with extreme grief, or when you feel you just cannot cope anymore. The above comes from a view of coaching, not therapy. Therapy is absolutely invaluable when needed.

*The five stages of grief model (or the Kübler-Ross model) proposes that those experiencing grief go through a series of five emotions: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance