Stuckness and Stickiness

Ah, sometimes just wanting to break free of it all gets a bit overwhelming! A few years ago, I found myself day dreaming way too often and going down an all too familiar path, as I found myself stuck in a fairly normal, yet frustrating, life situation. On reflection, it was clear that I was going through the classic levels of stuckness.

Firstly, I was in job, that I was just not happy in anymore. I knew I had to go, I had been around for too long, but found myself stuck. I was aware that I wanted change, but just didn't know what, or how to change. The idea of wanting change in my life, wanting to get out of a river of treacle that I found myself stuck in, just seemed like too much of a task to overcome. Now getting out of the treacle is one thing, planning, strategising, moving, adjusting, ranting, raving, whatever you can think, however nothing seemed to work. My enthusiasm for alternatives, for the "what ifs" and "if only" only sought to drain the finite amount of energy that I had inside of me. It was when this energy and passion had run a bit too low, that I entered the second level of stuckness.

The second level is a bit more worrying. Whereas the first stage is that of rejection and objection, the second is that of acceptance and apathy towards it. I had become used to the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not get out of this situation I found myself in. The treacle had a sense of normality and familiarity, so trying to get out of it was a bit like Winnie the Pooh trying to get out of Rabbits home after eating all his honey. At first there was commotion and frustration, lots of effort, and then after a while, its just easier to stay stuck. If you ever read the book, you would see how even Rabbit had gotten used to Winnie being around and started hanging clothes on him to dry, and he became part of the furniture. This stage of stuckness is so dangerous, as it becomes comfortable. I was justifying why I couldn't get out, and inside it was killing me. My friends started tiring of hearing the same stories again and again, I tired of the words just coming out of my mouth, and honestly, my wife is a saint for putting up with me during this time! OH - and if you feel guilt about being in this stage and what effects it is happening on those you love, then you really are ready for stage 3. Of course many of us stay in this second stage for a long time, and many sadly stay here forever. For me, this was when I reached out for help.

Stage 3. And I want to be clear here: When you are ready and know that there is a way out (and there always is) then you are ready for stage 3! And this is what I love about coaching.

It's not therapy, it's not consulting, it's not training, its totally different, but it has elements of it all. For the sake of others, I reached out to a coach. The first conversation I had, I spent most of the time telling them that I was fine, but it was my situation that was untenable. You see, I could actually cope. I hadn't been to the doctors for stress, anxiety or fatigue (although I did feel all of these things on a daily basis) and so I didn't feel that I had the right to ask for help. (Don't get me wrong, if help is needed for these, and many other issues experienced, then help from the right source needs to be sought out! As a coach, I won't hesitate to recommend speaking to a doctor, if I feel that what is needed is out of the reach of my profession) But for me, having someone who sat, listened, commented, and asked lots of really good questions, allowed me to see a glimmer of hope that actually there was a way out of this situation.

With the help of a coach, I could start to see the sometimes obvious (not at the time) steps to get out of this treacle river, and actually, I wish I had have spoken to him far sooner. Its one of the reasons that to this day, I still have regular coaching with someone I trust. The value and strength from it is some of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.

So what happened to me? Well, in a nutshell, I left my job, we sold up our life in London, and bought a yacht ("Next Step"), sailed with the family for 3 years, and now settled in South Africa. I am an adventurer at heart, and my family are too!

If any of my story resonates with you and you are finding yourself stuck, drop me a line, I would love to have an informal chat and maybe, this could be the start of your next steps.

matt@thecoachingcrew.org